


Kiss of Death

by uv_duv



Series: Love Bites [3]
Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Dogs, Dubious Consent, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Highly Concentrated Catholic Guilt, Literal Gay Chicken, Love/Hate, M/M, Mind Games, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Pettiness, Questionable Coping Mechanisms, Sex Dreams, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:13:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uv_duv/pseuds/uv_duv
Summary: Nandor orders Guillermo to lose his pesky virginity to deflect from how he ruined his familiar’s 25th birthday party. Guillermo struggles with the string of sad hookups that never quite make it past first base, how irritating it is being in love with his boss, and a new crush on his lye supplier."Most of his hookups hadn’t wanted to kiss at all, to deal with any kind of foreplay. But how could he explain to Nandor that he could have made it happen, but found himself holding back? In the back of his mind, Guillermo knew he was holding out for something better.But what did it matter, if he couldn’t have either of them?"
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Karen, Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Love Bites [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839217
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Kiss of Death

Guillermo swished the feather duster, watching the flickering dust motes careen off the canvas of the painting in the burnt gold light of the late afternoon, idly wondering how much longer he would have before he stopped gathering dust forever.  _ Another few months? _ Strange creaking noises echoed from Nandor's crypt and Guillermo was there, cracking the door open as quietly as possible to slip inside. 

Nandor's coffin was violently shaking on its stand.  _ Must be a really bad nightmare,  _ Guillermo thought. He could certainly sympathize. Nandor's agonized moans only seemed to get more agitated. Biting his lip, Guillermo checked the curtains and then tentatively lifted the coffin lid.

As soon as he did, Nandor groaned, ground his teeth, and settled into an eerie stillness. Even so, he had clearly been thrashing around the inside of the coffin, his arms strewn across his body instead of neatly folded above his chest. Guillermo picked up one arm gingerly, cold and heavy and covered by a flowing white blouse, returning the wayward limb to its proper arrangement. Nandor started sleep-talking again, turning his head back and forth, his brow furrowed. 

“Eesh verda… leebar shterbin...”

_ Was that… a different language?  _ Nandor’s moans got louder and more desperate again. Guillermo poked his chest with one finger, whispering, “Master..?” with no response. Pushing against his chest with his whole hand, Guillermo murmured, “Master, Master it’s me, you’re having a nightmare...”

Nandor lightly stroked Guillermo's wrist and whispered, “John? John…”

_ Who?  _

“No, Master, it’s me, Guillermo… Wake up, Master…”

Nandor instantly backed up against the top of the coffin, sitting bolt upright, like a cat that had touched water, hands braced on either side of himself. He stared at Guillermo with wide eyes and blown-out pupils that took a second to focus.

“I think you were having a nightmare, Master,” Guillermo said softly.

“Yes, yes it was just... a nightmare…” Nandor murmured. He was still shaking a little, compulsively flexing his fingers, which creaked with the movement.

“Um… I don’t… What should I do?” Guillermo debated reaching for his shoulder, but held himself back. 

Ironically, Nandor asked to see his hands. Guillermo couldn’t not think about what had happened earlier that month and hesitated, his eyes darting to his wrist scars hidden under his sweater sleeves. Nandor looked at him crossly and Guillermo overcame the instinct, holding his hands out in front of Nandor. He inspected them, flipping them over with his thumb and forefinger with the air of a bird picking through scraps.

“Here is what will happen,” Nandor began, sitting up straighter. “You will brush my hair, since it is now all tangly, and then you will put me back to coffin.”

“That sounds good, sir.”

Guillermo felt a swell of anxiety as he arranged the chaise and sat behind Nandor the exact way he had when he gave Nandor a shoulder massage. A shoulder massage that tore open a cut on his hand and ended with… Well, Guillermo didn’t want to think about it. The scars were still a fresh reminder. He took Nandor’s soft, thick hair into his shaking hands and breathed deeply, anchoring himself to the fact that Nandor thought to check his hands first. Running his fingers through Nandor’s hair, dragging his nails slowly over his scalp, and rubbing light circles helped soothe his nerves. Nandor letting his head sink into Guillermo’s hands and his little contented sighs plucked at Guillermo’s heart strings.  _ I wish I didn't love you, _ he thought, simultaneously recognizing that it was futile. Not loving Nandor would be like pages not loving ink, or kindling not loving sparks. 

“Who was John?” Guillermo asked as he began brushing the first few drops of argan oil into Nandor’s hair.

“Oh…” Nandor sat up a little, pulling away from Guillermo, as though he’d just remembered that it was Guillermo that was behind him. “Just… An old friend. Long gone, now.”

“I’m sorry, Master.”

Nandor hummed wistfully in response but said nothing. Neither of them spoke after that, Guillermo silently working the oil through his strands, pulling apart knots as gently as he could, guided by the familiar feeling in his hands more than the feeble light of the room.

When Guillermo stood beside the little step stool to help Nandor into his coffin, Nandor clung to his hand for a second longer than typical. Guillermo squeezed it a little before he could stop himself. To his surprise, Nandor didn’t whip his hand away. 

It was such a small action, but that didn’t stop it from squeezing Guillermo’s heart. Seeing Nandor laying in his coffin, arms crossed, just right, made Guillermo want more than anything to kiss his forehead, to brush a thumb along the edge between his beard and his cheek, to nuzzle in the space between his throat and his chest… He gripped the fur lining of the coffin in his hands instead.

“Thank you, for brushing my hair. It feels much better now.” Nandor smiled a little awkwardly, the tips of his fangs just showing. Guillermo smiled back, murmured, “Sleep well, Master,” and closed the lid gently, patting the carved surface. 

\-----

Guillermo wasn’t foolish enough to entertain Nandor viewing him as anything other than a servant. It really wasn’t like that. Nandor made that abundantly clear almost any chance he had. And that was fine. It really was. Guillermo would just wait. Until the flames died down to embers and then ashes, like a sickness that he just needed to sweat out. It would surely break.

Surely.

But the next few months were a blur of comforting routine and pleasant little moments with Nandor, like a pillow embroidered with pearls. 

Just the other night, bathing Nandor and giggling when he splashed him like a bucking horse. Nandor’s small smile and twinkling eyes, the water dripping from his beard.

Guillermo had this in mind while he was dusting the library, stretching up and hopping to reach a high shelf while Nandor lounged, reading  _ Moby Dick _ .

“Guillermo, this is just sad to watch,” Nandor tutted, placing an amulet inside of his book.

“Oh, I just, I can almost reach it, you don’t need to--”

Strong arms hugged Guillermo from behind and flew him up to the very top shelf. His heart was a jackhammer against his ribs, vibrating so hard it might just crack them open. Did he imagine Nandor’s lips on the nape of his neck? He certainly didn’t imagine Nandor’s broad chest flush against his back, or Nandor’s strength… lifting him like he was a cotton ball. 

“Well? Are you going to dust now?” he teased, lightly jiggling Guillermo.

Raising his hand, Guillermo realized he had dropped the feather duster.

\-----

So really, things were good. The months passed and Guillermo found that he didn’t mind. It felt like things were progressing the way they were supposed to.

He hadn’t attended the weekly familiar mixers much during this time, and honestly mostly went for the free food, alcohol, and leads on virgins. But Celeste was nice, at least. If loud.

“Haven’t seen you in a minute, Guillermo!” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Sooo, how are things with Nandor?” Her breath reeked of vodka. 

Guillermo laughed nervously, tugging his sweater sleeves down. “They’re looking up. He um, he helped me dust the other day.”

“Oh? Do tell,” she mumbled conspiratorially, taking another swig from her styrofoam cup.

“Well--” 

“But wait, hold that thought. Did I tell you about  _ Irving _ ?”

Guillermo didn’t recognize that name. 

“Who?”

Celeste’s eyes gleamed, even as they slid around Guillermo’s face. “New lye hookup. Great rates. You use lye, right?”

“Yeah, yeah I could, I could always use more lye,” he supposed, shrugging.

“He’s in the boonies, but here’s his number,” Celeste slurred, tapping on her phone. “Hit him up, he’s super nice.”

Before Guillermo could thank her, Celeste stumbled off to talk to someone else. He took that as his cue to leave. As Guillermo waited for the bus in the buzzing dark, he stared at his phone, overthinking what to say before finally gritting his teeth and pressing send. 

\----- 

“My 25th birthday is coming up, Master,” Guillermo mentioned one evening as he tugged a clasp closed on Nandor’s tunic. “I can rent cars now for a reasonable price.”

“That is wonderful Guillermo, enjoy your new privileges,” Nandor said, looking down at him a little quizzically.

“So do you think… You know…?” Guillermo asked, meeting his gaze and arching his neck a little to reveal his throat.

Nandor averted his gaze. “You are wanting some kind of party, I take it. Remind me when your birthing day is again?”

“I’ll let you know when it’s closer,” Guillermo said, his eyes sinking down as he tightened the last of Nandor’s bindings.

\-----

Another night, the lye delivery arrived. Guillermo strapped on his headlamp and wheeled out a creaking metal dollie to help unload his order. The door of the old truck creaked open and the entire vehicle rocked as a tall blonde man stepped out to shake Guillermo's hand. It was as calloused as his. 

"Hey there, I'm Irving," he said with an easy smile and a deep voice that instantly captured Guillermo's attention. Irving dropped his hands into the pockets of his loose jeans, bunched up at his ankles from his work boots. Guillermo's mouth was suddenly drier than the sidewalk they were standing on. The hard angle of Irving's jawline, the facial hair that sprawled down to his Adam's apple, and his broad chest visible under the stretched out collar of his stained white t-shirt all captured his attention for increasingly worse reasons.  _ Jesus Christ…  _ Celeste hadn’t mentioned he was hot. 

"Um, hello!" he said too eagerly, his hand slipping out of Irving’s grasp and flailing around. "I'm, um, I’m Guillermo.” He did jazz hands around his face.  _ Why did I do jazz hands? _

Guillermo laughed too hard and then choked a little trying to stop. He felt like his logical brain was behind a plexiglass barrier screaming at himself for the things he was doing. 

Thankfully Irving didn’t talk much, just asked where to unload the barrels. He smiled when Guillermo offered to help and said, “Okay. ‘Preciate it.” 

After unloading the barrels to the side of the house and bringing Irving the bottles of blood and cash they had agreed on, Irving showed Guillermo how to prepare a liquid solution from the powder in an empty barrel that he let him keep for free. Guillermo took careful notes but Irving also reassured him that he could call or text with any questions.  _ So professional. _ All too soon, Guillermo was waving goodbye to Irving’s truck rolling away into the night, to the next delivery.

_ That was just as well _ , Guillermo figured. It wouldn’t do to get distracted by mortal men.

\-----

An immortal man already took up all of his attention. And time. And patience.

“This is very uncomfortable. Cushion, please,” Nandor demanded with an outstretched hand.

“I didn’t pack one, Master. I’m sorry.” Guillermo had already come up with the idea to watch the meteor shower for his birthday, packed a picnic blanket, a basket with a bottle of wine for himself, iced virgin blood for Nandor that he had collected from Chad in the cell over months... 

Nandor scoffed. “Larry and Barry remembered.” 

_ Because you invited the entire fucking house…  _ Larry and Barry were Nadja and Laszlo’s familiars and had been for several years. Paradoxically, they seemed to get worse and worse with time. Guillermo looked over and saw that, sure enough, Nadja was spooning Laszlo on their blanket, not looking up at the sky at all, Larry and Barry on their own blanket behind them.

“Sheesh. Fine, come here,” Nandor commanded.

Guillermo crawled off the wet grass, confused. Nandor grabbed his shoulders gently, maneuvering him to lay flat. “You are my cushion now since you forgot a real one,” he explained in a huff.

_ Well, at least I’m on the blanket now,  _ Guillermo figured with a wry grin, despite himself, smoothing his sweater down for Nandor to rest his head. 

“There was one!” Nandor pointed excitedly. “Did you see it?” 

The shooting star was so faint, with all the light pollution, but Guillermo nodded anyway. Even if he couldn’t see them well, they were still there, right?

_ I wish you loved me even a little bit as much as I love you... _

Nandor shifted to face him. “What did you wish for?”

Guillermo floundered, all too aware that Nandor had a front row seat to his heart beat. 

“I--I can’t tell you or it won’t come true,” he finally said quietly, rubbing the blanket between his fingers and watching the shape of the plaid pattern warping.

“Well, I ordered you to, so,” Nandor insisted, poking his side, like his secret wish would spill out of him. 

Guillermo paused for a moment. 

“...You know what I wished for, Master.”

“Mm. To be a vampire. I don’t know why I asked.” Nandor sighed and turned away.

\-----

Guillermo found himself gazing at Nandor more than the sky, his chest warming every time Nandor saw a star and got so excited.  _ It’d be so nice, laying side by side, hand in hand... _

Suddenly, Nandor was gone. Stumbling to his feet, Guillermo whipped around, calling after him. “Master! Master, where did you go?!”

“He went over there you squawking chicken,” Laszlo yelled, pointing towards a thicket of trees. Guillermo ran as fast as he could.

“Hello, yes, you are such a good boy, aren’t you? Yes yes yes...” Nandor was baby-talking in the shadows to… something. Something big.

Guillermo froze. An enormous dog, wirey black fur sticking out like needles, pupilless red eyes gleaming, fixed on him. The air around the dog shimmered unnaturally, refracting the darkness. Guillermo’s heart was fluttering, his throat tight with terror. Nandor scritched the monstrous dog’s ears. 

“Don’t mind him, that is just my familiar--”

The dog tore away from Nandor and pounced on Guillermo, growling and snapping its jaws just above his nose. 

“Master! Please! Help me!  _ Master! _ ” Guillermo shrieked, twisting to crawl away fruitlessly as the dog pulled him back by his ankle. Despite clawing at the grass and kicking his leg as hard as he could, the dog wrenched him backwards.

“He wants to play!” Nandor exclaimed to Guillermo’s building horror.

The dog yanked him back again, his sweater and shirt riding up and mud covering his stomach.  _ Please, please don’t tear out my throat,  _ Guillermo silently begged as a huge papery tongue scraped up his face, covering him in slobber that smelled like steaming rot. Nandor crouched down beside him, at first, Guillermo desperately hoped, to rescue him, but  _ was petting the fucking dog _ . Guillermo scrunched his mouth shut and groaned. The black dog lumbered away, evaporating into the darkness as easily as it had appeared.

“You scared him away!” Nandor flung his arms into the air in disappointment.

Guillermo was so dizzy he almost fell over trying to stand. He was afraid that his ankle was pulverized into hamburger meat and bone shards, but it only stung when he put weight on it. 

He reached for Nandor with shaky hands, but Nandor blanched, tugging his arm back from Guillermo. “It was just a doggy.”

" _ That?”  _ Guillermo managed to squeak out, his eyes wide with lingering terror. “That wasn’t… I can’t... I feel like… I’m gonna die… Master… Master, please...” he panted. 

He couldn’t seem to get enough air into his lungs. Nandor peered at him. "You aren’t going to die tonight, but I could hypnotize you. To stop all... eh, whatever this is," he offered, gesturing languidly to all of Guillermo.

Guillermo clenched his teeth and shook his head no. "Please, don’t... just…" he begged as his eyes filled with tears. “Don’t leave me--”

Nandor sighed, clearly annoyed, and batted away.

\----- 

Guillermo cried, alone, panicking, and hating himself for all of it. It felt so silly, but the fact that it was his birthday,  _ his fucking birthday _ , and that Nandor would just leave after he gave him so much... It was hopeless. He couldn’t forget that. 

His phone rang.  _ Shit shit shit. _

Guillermo honestly didn’t know why he answered it, but he did, breath still shaking, tears still streaking down his cheeks as someone asked, “Hey, is this Guillermo?” 

“Yeah!” Guillermo responded more manically than he wanted, forcing a smile even though the caller couldn’t see it. 

“Great, it’s Irving! I had a big client move their delivery up. Would it work if I came by in an hour or so?”

“S-sure, yeah, that’s, that’s fine.” He could get it together by then. Had to.

“...Are you okay?”

“I just…” He swallowed, hating that his voice cracked. “Don’t worry about it. I’m--I’m fine. Bye, Irving.”

Guillermo hung up and walked back to the picnic blanket, less than surprised that the entire household had left without him.

\-----

To his surprise, Irving texted him asking if there was any way that he could help. Even though Guillermo responded, reassuring him it was fine, he was just feeling glum and waiting for the bus after a bad day, Irving insisted, offering to pick him up from the bus stop.

Irving opened the truck door for Guillermo, making sure he didn’t slip getting in. Buckling himself in, Guillermo weakly thanked him and apologized for the trouble.

“You aren’t trouble,” Irving said, with a sympathetic smile that made Guillermo’s heart rate go up for a much different reason. 

“Why?” Guillermo blurted. 

Irving looked confused, drawing his brows together. “I don’t…?”

“Sorry, I mean, why are you doing this?” Guillermo clarified. “Helping me out. It’s just, it’s really nice of you.”

“Oh. Well, you were the first person that helped me. Most people just point and walk away.”

Guillermo helped him with his other deliveries that night, too. After they wrapped up the last delivery at his house, Irving wiped his brow with the back of his forearm, revealing the line of his tricep, and then asked Guillermo if he wanted to grab a bite to eat. 

“I know a place,” he smirked. “Maybe you’ve heard of Denny’s.”

Guillermo looked towards the house, where Nandor was no doubt waiting inside, and said yes, that would be great and pretended that he really had never heard of such an establishment.

\-----

It was so easy to spend hours talking to Irving over a free birthday Grand Slam. 

How they got started in the familiar business. 

Escaping a stifling Catholic upbringing. 

High school. 

A love of cheap breakfast food.

It was close to dawn when Guillermo found Nandor in the library, idly scratching his beard as he read.

“Barely managed to escape the jaws of death, I see,” Nandor intoned sarcastically, peering at Guillermo from over the pages of  _ Moby Dick.  _

“Nice of you to pretend that you care,” Guillermo murmured to himself under his breath before responding, “I helped out with a lye delivery for a discount,” in a falsely cheery tone.

Nandor squinted at him, slowly turning a page, but said nothing. 

\-----

_ A cool tongue teased his earlobe before licking around the shell of his ear. Laying on his side, his back flush against a hairy chest, Guillermo panted as a strong hand lifted his thigh, a thick cock pressing so far into him he felt like a log cracking apart on a hearth, lit on fire and split in half with the mix of pain and pleasure.  _

_ Guillermo buried his face in another broad chest, wrapping his arms around the living man in front of him, pulling him against his own aching cock. Hot and cold, on either side, pressed between two bodies...  _

_ The man behind him clutched him tight, jealously whispering, "Where are you going? I thought you belonged to me," as he thrust into Guillermo brutally.  _

_ "Nandor..." Guillermo arched against him, "Nandor, please... please, please bite me..."  _

_ Nandor’s golden eyes appeared in the shadows behind Irving. He stroked a line along his pink throat and bared his fangs.  _

_ "No, no, please... Nandor, I promise I'll--" _

_ Guillermo's mouth was smothered by a cape that wrapped around his entire body, tight as a cacoon.  _

_ "I don't know what makes you think you deserve either of us," Nandor snarled before tearing into Irving's throat viciously, the blood pouring like a waterfall onto Guillermo's white sheets. A curtain fluttered and Nandor burst into a blurry ball of fire, nearly blinding to look at. _

_ Guillermo watched Irving's pine green eyes fade as Nandor disintegrated into ashes before him until everything turned black. _

S _ urrounded on all sides by red eyes in the dark, as numerous and glowing as lightning bugs. _

_ The barking and growling rumbled low, shaking his bones. Running felt like he was trying to sprint through sand. The first black dog tore into his calf. He screamed for Nandor over and over as teeth sank into his forearm, his thigh, wrenching his limbs from their sockets, tendons-- _

The nightmare dissipated before Guillermo was completely torn to shreds. 

\-----

Later that week, Laszlo called a house meeting. 

“Somebody explain what the fuck is with the barrels in the yard,” he demanded, dramatically whipping his hands in front of him like they were the smoking guns in a murder trial. It didn’t have whatever effect he was anticipating. Larry, Barry, and Nadja sat on the couch looking confused while Nandor slumped over in his chair, fidgeting with his sleeve. Guillermo stood an extra half step further away. It was small, and petty, but it was something.

“Ah, they’ve already healed.” Laszlo frowned down at his blemish-free hands. “Anyhow, whatever vile concoction is in those barrels burned like a whore in church.”

“Or like us,” Nadja noted, to Laszlo nodding in agreement.

“It’s lye. For dissolving bodies. We’re running out of good burial spots in the yard,” Guillermo explained, feeling half dissolved himself. 

“Tell us next time you do something like that!” Laszlo snapped. “Larry and Barry had no idea!”

“You could also not stick your hands in mysterious barrels…” Guillermo pointed out quietly rather than admit he forgot to tell Larry and Barry. 

Nandor looked at him, mouth dropping open in dismay as he scratched the back of his head. “Hey now, it was an honest mistake. Could have happened to anyone. Apologize.”

Despite himself, Guillermo frowned before obeying Nandor’s order, which Nandor narrowed his eyes at. After his half-assed apology, Larry and Barry both stood up, grasping each other’s hands as they announced that they were quitting.  _ Oh goddammit.  _

“We are in love,” Barry said, as though that explained anything.

“So? That doesn’t explain anything,” Laszlo said, stunned.

“Also, I got my girlfriend pregnant and we’re going to raise the baby together,” Larry continued.

Nandor and Nadja both “awww’d” while Guillermo just felt more confused than ever.  _ How long had this been going on? And like.. Are they both with the girlfriend or…? How did Larry even find the time?  _ But he didn’t ask any of those questions. It’d be rude.

Nandor nodded at Guillermo knowingly. "I knew it." 

Guillermo closed his eyes for a moment, folding his mouth together. He didn’t have the energy for Nandor’s absurdities.

“Barry, man, what? You’re quitting to raise some stupid baby that isn’t even yours?” Laszlo asked, indignant.

“Laszlo!” Nadja admonished.

“Let them go. They are going to be papas,” Nandor cooed warmly, with a dumb delighted smile and his hands clenched in happy loose fists.  _ Ugh. _

“Good for you boys. Very upstanding,” Nadja said, looking pointedly at Laszlo. “Have you any thought what you’ll name the child?” she asked curiously.

“So, Sharon was thinking of naming her Teresa, after her grandmother,” Larry said.

“And if it’s a boy, then probably Daryll, after my dad,” Barry said.

“If I’m understanding all this correctly, Sherri, Larry, and Barry are having a kiddo together that they’re going to name either Terri or Dary?” Colin Robinson summarized from the curtained doorway.

Larry agreed with Colin Robinson with a completely straight face and added, “We also had Mary in the rotation.”

Guillermo groaned.

“As long as we are all announcing things, I believe I have become afflicted with fleas,” Nandor pronounced, plucking a tiny example from his hair and holding it way too close to Guillermo’s face. 

_ Oh my fucking God. _

\-----

_ You aren’t going to fucking believe this,  _ Guillermo texted Irving on his way to Petco.  _ Nandor has fleas _ .  _ FLEAS! _

Irving sent back a gif of a blinking guy that was just perfect. Texting Irving everything that happened in the park with the dog was surprisingly cathartic, especially his responses of “Seriously?” “That’s so scary,” and “What. The. Fuck.” Before long, Guillermo was back in the upstairs bathroom, phone on silent, hurriedly undressing Nandor and pulling the dog shampoo out of the plastic bag, wanting to just squeeze all of it on his stupid head but breathing tersely as he mechanically rubbed a quarter sized amount through his hair.

"Eh… That smells very chemically, Guillermo. Are you sure they didn't have any human varieties?" Nandor asked, peering up at him while grimacing at the overwhelming pungent scent. 

"Yep," Guillermo replied coldly, not so carefully shielding Nandor’s eyes from the water he poured over to rinse the shampoo. 

“Careful,” Nandor whined. 

Guillermo took a deep breath and centered himself, trying to remember that at the end of all of this drudgery was immortality.  _ Just keep it professional. Eyes on the prize.  _

Irving’s green eyes and kind smile immediately came to mind. 

“...What is being the matter with you?” Nandor asked after a beat, his wet hair flat and sticking to the sides of his perplexed face, reminding Guillermo of a soaking wet dog.  _ Appropriate,  _ he thought to himself.

“Nothing. I’m fine, Master,” he said as evenly as he could, grabbing the scrub brush.

“Hmph. I don’t want to play guessing games, Guillermo. It cannot possibly be the dog at the park.”

“That  _ dog _ was the size of a horse and had glowing red eyes!” Guillermo exclaimed. He averted his eyes at Nandor’s withering look.

“You let your fear overtake your senses,” Nandor lectured, shaking his head at Guillermo like he was a misbehaving child. “There was nothing to be frightened of. And I offered to fix all of your quavering and blubbering and you refused. What would you have me do, stand there and watch you cry all night?” Nandor pouted as he stuck out his leg for Guillermo. 

Guillermo clenched his teeth, hissing out “No, Master,” but still scraped Nandor’s calf hard with the brush, the frustration building up inside him like steam in a pressure cooker. He mentally counted to ten. He chanced a frustrated glance up at Nandor, only to find him glaring back at him. 

“I know you tried to trick me into turning you.”

“...What?” 

"It’s the oldest play in the book,” Nandor said smugly, sighing unnecessarily and heaving himself higher up against the tub, the water pouring down his hairy chest. “A young tasty virgin familiar tempting their master with their ludicrously delicious blood, making them drink too much, being so delicious, so then the hoodwinked master has to turn them or they'll die, leaving them with nothing." 

The audacity of Nandor’s accusation stunned Guillermo. He had already blamed himself for being stupid enough to offer Nandor his cut hand, but for Nandor to see it as a _fucking trick_ and to turn it on him felt like a knife in his lungs. It rendered him speechless. He stared at Nandor, unable to contain the fury from reaching his eyes, the flames he felt licking up his spine, his vision narrowing with it, and the frustration at the injustice that Nandor was still so attractive. _How dare he splay out like that_ , _how dare he be so beautiful without even fucking trying…_

He had never hated anyone this much.

Easing his jaw apart, Guillermo finally said, “That is not what happened.”

"Then what happened?" Nandor almost growled.

_ Shit.  _ Absolutely nothing would pry the actual answer, that the cut on his hand was not intentional but had been from ogling an erotic daguerreotype of Nandor, from his mouth. But he couldn't think of a feasible lie. Gripping the edge of the tub and lowering his eyes meekly to the tiles, he mumbled, “It… was an accident.”

"A very convenient accident, then,” Nandor scoffed. “We have to take care of this problem at its source." He curled his fingers, beckoning Guillermo.

"So you'll turn me?" Guillermo asked, cautiously optimistic as he dragged the stool over and sat back down near Nandor’s head. 

"No, although I'm sure you would like that, wouldn’t you? Tricky little Guillermo." Nandor bopped his nose, the suds dripping down to the floor, much like Guillermo’s hopes. "I am referring to the lingering issue of your distracting virginity. Always flaunting it. I have to assume that you are keeping it for the attention. It is rather sad."

Guillermo dug his nails into his palms, burning with embarrassment. "I... no... I'm, um... Open to the idea. It's just, I've been focusing on my work here. I haven't had... the time."

"Well now I am giving you the time. Go lose your virginity and report back," Nandor commanded. 

"Like--like now?” Guillermo looked around. “Where would I, how do I... how do I do that exactly?" 

"I don’t know, find a brothel or something, it's not hard. Actually, Laszlo gets paid to do it, you could ask him. Although, before you depart you'll need to dry me off."

The irony of Nandor standing from the tub without warning and Guillermo’s face suddenly being confronted by his cock didn’t escape him. He sighed as he stood up to grab a towel.

\-----

If he couldn’t have Nandor, maybe he could have Irving. He invited him to the next familiar mixer, calling him over to the drink table when he walked in. “It goes fast,” Guillermo chuckled, filling a styrofoam cup with jungle juice and handing it to Irving.

“Oh, I can’t,” Irving shook his head, his dirty blonde hair moving with it. If Guillermo didn’t bungle this, he could wind his fingers in-- 

“I’m not twenty one.”

Guillermo almost spilled the drink.

“I, uh, I thought you were, older than me,” he stammered awkwardly. “But you’re close, right? I’m sure you’re close.”

“Just turned nineteen last month. Um, why?” Irving narrowed his eyes uncertainly, trying to decipher Guillermo’s reaction.

Guillermo blew air out through his mouth, completely deflated. “I’m… surprised, is all. You come off, a lot, a lot older…” 

He shook it off. It was fine, honestly. Might be better that way, to be friends. Better to lose his virginity with no emotional attachment, no risk of damage or complications. Clean. Even though it was inherently dirty... 

Irving luckily rolled along with it, seemed to roll along with anything. Guillermo trailed him like a shadow, watching with awe as he chatted with so many new people, like it was easy.

(He would ask him later, at another night, another Denny’s. “You really can’t go wrong with a smile and a friendly ‘hey’,” Irving would reply, gently chuckling at Guillermo’s question.)

But that night Irving got a text and had to go. He apologetically offered to drive Guillermo home but Guillermo waved goodbye, imploring him to drive safely, before turning back to the mixer with one goal. Guillermo chugged the rest of his jungle juice, the alcohol practically peeling off the top layer of his esophagus. 

_ Okay... Virginity losing time.  _ He scanned the room for prospects. _ Tucker died, didn’t he? Shit. Ramon? No... he quit…  _

_ Oh God. _

"So, Guillermo..." 

_ Karen. _

"Hiii," Guillermo responded with a strained smile.

"Are you like… doing anything tonight? Or..." she asked, a hand on his forearm.  _ Yeesh. _

"What did you have in mind?" he asked, knowing very well what she had in mind, chugging another drink and almost choking on it when she ran her hand up his chest.

\----

Distant misery pooled in his stomach as he remembered that the arms wrapped around his neck belonged to Karen. She pulled his face towards her parted lips and her vodka breath fogged up his glasses. Guillermo frowned and pushed her mouth away, but she grabbed his hips and ground into him.

"That's fine, we don't have to kiss..." she whispered sloppily.

The plastic baby changing table collapsed to the ground with a deafening thud as soon as she tried to climb onto it. She pulled Guillermo down with her, gripping his cock, working him steadily until he was hard. More automatic than anything. Burying her face in the crook of his shoulder, she hiked up her skirt, to angle him inside of her.  _ Oh… you’re not… wearing underwear... _

It was wet and warm and felt... okay, Guillermo supposed. He could probably do this.  _ Or she could, _ he figured. She was rocking against him, a hand between her own legs, and he felt outside of himself, like one of those mechanical watering birds, moving back and forth, back and forth, back and--

“Oh, you feel so, so good daddy, please, please daddy, I’ve been a good girl…” 

Karen’s atrocious dirty talk pulled him back into the reality that he was fucking her on a baby changing table on the filthy floor of a community center family bathroom. He slowed down, his face curdling as he groaned to not say that stuff.

“Sorry, Master… I should’ve known better, please, please forgive me Master…”

_ Fucking--  _ Guillermo asked her not to say master either, but before too long she was panting at him to go harder,  _ Master, _ clenching the back of his sweater with her hands as she tried to get more from him, and he tried, going as hard as he could, his head swimming, anything to cum and let this end faster, but he just couldn’t’;the sweat stung his eyes even as she shrieked and wrapped her legs around him.

Eventually he gave up.

"Wow. I'm... going to go..." he said, sliding out of her and zipping his pants back up.

"Did...? I came sooo hard… Like, like three times..." she slurred breathily, asking for his number as her fingers grazed his shirt collar.

He snuck out the door without answering.

_ \----- _

Guillermo’s mouth curved into a self-satisfied smile as he undid Nandor’s cape clasps. Nandor hummed at him inquisitively.

“I did it. I lost my virginity, Master.”

“Is that so?” Nandor hooked a finger under Guillermo’s shirt collar, tugging it down. 

Guillermo didn’t move, couldn’t move, as Nandor’s beard tickled his soft neck, wanting to curl against the sensation. 

“...What did you do exactly? Your scent is unchanged,” Nandor asked, pulling back.

Heat filled Guillermo’s cheeks. “I… I don’t know that I should um, kiss and tell…”

Nandor frowned at him. “There is no kissing, only telling,” he stated seriously with a wag of his finger.

“Um, okay,” Guillermo adjusted his glasses nervously, the mortification of actually recounting the details to Nandor completely unexpected. “It was this girl at the familiar mixer, we were drunk and it was really awkward…”

“Irrelevant. Did you put your penis inside of her?”

Guillermo’s brain shot out of his skull for a moment. 

“I, um. Yes.”

“And did you cum?” Nandor asked, hunching close and steepling his fingers together.

Whatever facial expressions and noises Guillermo made apparently told Nandor everything he needed to know.

Nandor sighed like he was utterly exhausted. “It doesn’t count then.”

“But she came! How does that not count?” Guillermo exclaimed. The idea that he had gone through with all of that with Karen for  _ nothing  _ was enough to make him tear his hair out by the roots.

“I don’t know, you’re the one that doesn’t know how to fuck correctly, not me. Do better next time.”

Guillermo’s shoulders sunk, defeated. Nandor flicked his eyes at his tunic and Guillermo continued to undress him as the vampire spoke again.

“Psh, why are you looking so despondent? Could you not simply fuck the lye man, who you seem so intent on mixing business and pleasure with? Do you not like him?”

The space between Guillermo’s shoulder blades tightened defensively. “No, I… I do, but… It’s complicated...” he said slowly, stumbling over the buttons of Nandor’s undershirt. 

“What is complicated about having sex with someone that you like?” Nandor asked in a quieter tone of voice. It seemed to be a genuine question.

“Well… for starters, I don’t want him to think it’s just sex. I really care about him,” Guillermo said as he removed Nandor’s last layer. “Plus, it’d be weird. He’s only nineteen. And probably not even interested anyway,” he explained with a defeated shrug as he folded the garment. 

“Yes, such an age difference. And you’re right, he probably isn’t.” 

The truth had a way of hurting, which was usually how Guillermo knew it was the truth.

\-----

So he tried again.

It was depressingly easy. The next guy he picked up from the familiar mixer was in his closet bed at the Staten Island house pretty much as soon as Guillermo walked up to him, smiled, and said, “Hey.”

Unfortunately they didn’t get much further than his tongue fumbling over Guillermo’s teeth when an unwelcome face popped through the curtains.

“Oh goodness, looks like I’ve interrupted a little dataroony. Or should I say... Guillermus Interruptus.” 

Colin Robinson somehow sucked all of the energy out of Guillermo like someone slurping every scrap of meat off of a rib. And managed to do it three days in a row.

So Guillermo stopped bringing people to the house.

Irving laughed hard as Guillermo recounted this story, sitting together in his truck on his way to another hookup after helping Irving with a big delivery in Brooklyn. That laugh made it all worth something. It was the first time he heard Irving really laugh. Guillermo just… didn’t mention that these hookups were an order from Nandor.

Guillermo was surprised and a little worried that Irving didn’t know what energy vampires were. Explaining the joy of Colin Robinson took up the rest of the drive. He waved goodbye to Irving before walking up to the apartment building of the next guy.

His bunk bed was tiny.

“Hands, mouths, or butts?” he asked, already grinding on top of Guillermo.

“Lets maybe… Slow down?”

The bed was already creaking and buckling ominously and they were only making out. It didn’t matter because then the mom walked in and started yelling in... Korean? Guillermo slowly clambered down the ladder backwards and mumbled, “Um, raincheck?” before he could stop himself. That guy had ghosted him but Guillermo just didn’t mention that part. 

Irving laughed again at that one, commenting, “That’s why I moved out as soon as I could,” with a bemused shake of his head. Guillermo wanted so badly to be in  _ his _ bed, instead, but smiled back and just replied, “I know, right?” not really knowing what that meant before biking away to his next hookup.

_ Oh Jesus.  _ This guy had just sent him coordinates to an empty parking lot. And then he was in the back of some disgusting van being felt up on a stained mattress.

“Well George--”, 

“It’s Guillermo.” 

“Sure. Well, it's just you, me, and our dicks in this abandoned Borders parking lot..." 

Guillermo had already made peace with the fact that losing his virginity was not going to be special. But it wasn’t going to be this.

"M-maybe we could kiss first?" A tongue slid down his throat and he gagged.  _ Nope. No. _

He faked getting a phone call and sped away on his bike.

Irving hadn’t laughed at that one. Had grimaced and held Guillermo’s shoulder in his large hand and said to actually call him if he ever felt unsafe. Had made Guillermo’s heart soar past the stars.

“It… sounded worse than it was,” Guillermo said, trying to reassure him that he was fine, really.

He didn’t want Irving to worry but at the same time, it felt so good to be worried about. Over a tall plate of pancakes at Denny’s, Guillermo asked if Irving had thought about offering body disposal services directly. Kinda like reverse take-out.

“You could seriously make a killing!” Guillermo almost flung the pancake off his fork with his enthusiasm.  _ Oops. _

Irving took a deep breath and confessed that he’d never actually handled, let alone seen, a dead body before. “Well, human, anyway.” 

Guillermo sputtered, “Are you fucking for real? Never? How?”  _ Holy shit. _

“The house is so far in the woods that uh… they always eat out.”  _ Wow.  _

The stunning weight of Irving’s innocence compared to the sins that Guillermo had already committed, even at Irving’s age, sent him spiralling. The least he could do was buy Irving a crucifix. 

“Oh… I’m really not a believer,” Irving said politely the next week, handing it back to Guillermo.

“It’s not really about that,” he reassured him. “It’s like vampire pepper spray. I want you to be safe.” 

They were parked in front of Guillermo’s next hookup, which he was already late for, but Irving’s smile, his warm emerald eyes, the way little messy wisps of blonde hair fell in front of them, kept him in the truck for a little bit longer still. 

The way he said, “You too, okay?”

The way they looked at each other in silence for an aching moment, the way the empty middle seat between them was both infinitely vast and yet no distance at all, before Guillermo decided to do the right thing and leave.

\-----

_ Pink water swirled down the drain as Guillermo rolled the soap bar through his hands. His heart jumped. There was a reflection besides his own in the sink mirror.  _

_ "Irving! You scared me... I thought you were Nandor..." _

_ "Why would he be here?" A gentle chuckle. _

_ They were in Guillermo's mom's apartment, the flickering light of a movie splashing on Irving's face. It gleamed red, a woman's campy scream and jarring music announcing her demise. His eyes crinkled as he grimaced, “Ew,” turning his face towards Guillermo. _

_ He was so handsome...  _

_ Irving smiled at Guillermo. It made Guillermo feel so many different, conflicting things at once. The desire to be him, to kiss him, certainly. But then, with that, came the self-loathing and the guilt, like two serpents curling up his spine, wrapping around his stomach. It wasn't like that. Shouldn’t be like that.  _

_ Not with someone like him. _

_ Chuckling sheepishly, Guillermo averted his eyes. _

_ Laying on their sides, naked, wrapped in his old childhood bedspread, Guillermo's face buried in Irving's jugular notch, his hands rubbing small timid circles through the fields of blond hair on his broad chest. Guillermo moaned, rutted against him, his heart and body and mind grasping for him.  _

_ As Guillermo closed his eyes, he parted his lips to finally kiss-- _

\-----

**BEEEEEEP.**

Guillermo slapped his nap alarm and sighed. Even his subconscious couldn't let him have a good time. And then Nandor called for him. 

As soon as he walked in, Nandor muttered that he could smell the virginity from where he was standing. 

"This is taking you ages, Guillermo. I have conquered entire countries in less time,” Nandor sneered.

“It’s not exactly easy for me…”

“Really?” Nandor seemed genuinely surprised. “Do you genuinely not know how? Is there something wrong with your penis?" Nandor’s eyes moved questioningly to his crotch.

Guillermo bit back a snappy retort. “Why don’t you do it?” he asked as neutrally as possible.

“W-what?” The word dribbled out of Nandor’s open mouth.

“If it’s so important to you, why don’t you just do it?” Guillermo asked again, extending his arm to indicate Nandor. “It doesn’t have to be enjoyable for either of us, but just to get it over with.”

Nandor had the empty expression of a dial-up internet tone. Finally, he came online. "...You can't just peel off your virginity like a sticker, Guillermo. While I am more than capable, you--you have to enjoy it for it to count."

_ That sounds like a lie,  _ Guillermo thought. "How do you know that, Master?" he asked, feigning innocence.

Nandor ignored the question, stepping closer and squaring his shoulders. "Show me what you are doing," he demanded.

Guillermo hadn’t expected that. 

“Like.. like…?” He took a hesitant step towards Nandor, who squinted at him. 

“Tell me what are you saying to them. How are you building to the moment?” Nandor asked condescendingly. “You aren’t just going for it, are you? That’s no good at all.” 

"Oh. Honestly…" 

Most of them hadn’t wanted to kiss at all, to deal with any kind of foreplay. But how could he explain to Nandor that he could have made it happen, if he really powered through, but found himself holding back, taking his time, inevitably getting caught or leaving? In the back of his mind, he knew he was holding out for something better. He just wasn’t sure if it was Nandor or Irving. What did it mean, if he loved both of them?

What did it matter, if he couldn’t have either of them?

“I guess, um, yeah, I just, keep, keep trying to plow ahead, Master. Silly me,” he grinned awkwardly, crushing his fingers in his hand. “So… what should I do?"

"It is important to build gradual tension. Pretend I am you and that you are some pretty stranger."

“O-okay.”

"Find a non-sexual reason to get close to them. 'Oh no, is this your chicken?'" Nandor actually stooped down and motioned picking up an imaginary chicken from the ground. He held out the “chicken” to Guillermo. 

"The bonus with that move is that you also demonstrate that you are a giver, and perhaps will be in bed as well. Alluring," Nandor said, raising his eyebrows and lowering his voice suggestively.  _ Oh God.  _ He was standing so close.

Guillermo looked up at him as he asked, "What happens after that?" so quietly that a normal person might not have been able to hear him.

"Touch them in some small way. 'Here is your beloved pet'. You see, my hand brushed yours."

It did. Even though Guillermo held Nandor’s hand every night, this felt so different. 

"You should be saying thank you, Guillermo," Nandor said, his hooded eyes locked on Guillermo’s.

"Th-thank you. For the chicken." For as faint as his voice was, his heart was screaming.

"Now you continue getting closer and touching them in increasingly intimate ways, but in order." Guillermo felt like he was trying to swallow rocks as Nandor slid his hand up his forearm, his other hand on his shoulder, becoming hands on his back and the nape of his neck, pulling him so close. He was impossibly hard and it was far too late to hope that Nandor didn’t notice, but to Guillermo’s increasing disbelief, Nandor didn’t say anything or pull away.

"Once your bodies are touching shift focus to their face, their eyes specifically," he explained, as though Guillermo were at all capable of tearing his gaze away from Nandor’s. He was trapped in his dark eyes, helpless, frozen and yet burning. 

"Say something nice about them, like, oh, I don’t know, 'You look so beautiful in the candlelight'," Nandor practically purred. Guillermo was so anxious, fearing that any wrong move would somehow shatter the moment.

"Look at their mouth like you cannot wait for a tasty sip." Nandor’s smoldering expression, the way he looked at Guillermo’s lips like he was going to ravish him in front of the fireplace for hours, the fireplace that was  _ right there _ ... The ache between his legs was almost agonizing.

"Hold the moment. Let them languish for an instant. And then…" Nandor’s parted lips hovered just above Guillermo's paralyzed mouth, Guillermo whimpering at the taste of his cool breath and the tickle of his beard before retreating, Guillermo chasing after him before catching himself.

"...You kiss them. Hopefully that was edifying for you."

\-----

Guillermo had to Google the word “edifying” on his phone after he accidentally ejaculated all over his laptop keyboard again.

\-----

Irving pulled the door open after Guillermo's failed push. Celeste greeted them at once, wearing an all black floor-length latex trench coat, handing them both black LED tea lights and folded programs. All of the tables were cleared and the fold-out chairs arranged in rows in front of a screen projecting a Powerpoint. 

Guillermo felt like an asshole in his brown khaki pants and green sweater, but sat down with Irving. He instantly recognized bunk bed boy’s mirror selfie. The bullet points listed next to it said that he had fallen down a manhole, his favorite color was orange, and that he played the recorder.

With dawning horror, every single slide was a guy he had hooked up with. “That’s… Those are…” He looked around for the drink table but there were only mismatched vases filled with fake black and red roses and more LED candles. 

_ Wait so… Is Karen…? _

As if on cue, she appeared behind him and asked, “Mind if I sit here? You and your new boyfriend are cute, if you guys, wanted to...”

“We’re in the middle of a mass memorial, Karen.”

“So, later then?”

\-----

After the eighth slide in a row Guillermo got up and walked out. Pacing around the lot, he couldn’t make any sense of it. Irving’s blonde hair gleamed white under the street light.

“Okay, I hooked up with  _ every _ single one of those guys. That’s weird, right? That can’t be a coincidence. Am I somehow killing them? ...But then why is Karen alive?” He was completely at a loss.

“It’s not your fault. They were accidents,” Irving said, a reassuring hand on Guillermo’s upper arm.

“This is gonna sound bad, but even in the worst years, we lose like, maybe two familiars? This is so bad, it’s so bad, Irving… I don’t...”

“It doesn’t have to make sense.”

Both of Irving’s hands were on his arms. 

“Is it okay… Um, can I give you a hug?” Irving asked, his voice cracking a little.

Guillermo nodded, figuring he could have a hug, couldn’t he? Irving apologized for smelling bad and Guillermo hugged him harder. Finally, he took one more deep breath and released his hold, trying not to push his luck. Still, he looked up at Irving, his gorgeous green eyes shining in the light of the parking lot, his gaze drifting to his mouth, when suddenly everything clicked together as a cold gnawing feeling in his guts. 

“Holy... shit...” Every single person he had kissed had died.

\-----

He explained his thought process to Irving over a Denny’s Double Berry Banana Pancake Breakfast. Irving nodded along slowly, finally asking, “So… Somehow you’ve been cursed to kill people with your mouth?”

“I guess technically that’s been my life’s dream. But… not like this _. _ ” Guillermo stared at his plate, touching his lips in queasy horror. __

Irving chewed a sausage thoughtfully. “Well, there has to be a way to break the curse, right?” 

\-----

Guillermo hurried into the house, calling for Nandor. He found him on a sofa in Nadja and Laszlo’s crypt, the couple sitting on either side of him trying to help him check his email.

“Guillermo! You spend all night out on the town, not fucking, and then come home stomping around all over the place and yelling? What is the urgency?” he demanded, handing the laptop carefully to Nadja as he stood.

“Um, right, sorry. I guess I’ll get right to it.” Nadja and Laszlo both stared at him and then demanded to know what the fuck Nandor was talking about. “So, he’s referring to the fact that I’ve been trying to lose my virginity…”

“From the bottom of my cold dead heart, thank you,” Laszlo said dramatically, a hand on his chest.

“Finally, I have no idea how you get away with yourself,” Nadja chirped.

Nandor looked at Guillermo with a face like  _ you see what I mean now? _

“...the problem is that so far, everyone I kiss dies.”

Nadja instantly suggested witches to the simultaneous disapproval of Nandor and Laszlo.

“It’s not witches, Nadja. Familiars just die a lot,” Nandor insisted.

“Or,” Laszlo began, rising to his feet as well, “Gizmo is a truly atrocious kisser and drives them to suicide. 

“It's more than half a dozen people,” Guillermo countered.

“Fucking…” Nandor whispered to himself. Guillermo smiled inwardly, enjoying his shock.

Laszlo nodded in begrudging respect. “Fair enough, rookie numbers, but astonishing for you.”

"You… actually got more than one poor soul to kiss you?" Nadja grimaced beside Laszlo.

Colin Robinson appeared in the doorway and suggested that the obvious test was for Guillermo to kiss Nandor. For science.

Thinking back to Nandor’s kissing lesson, Guillermo’s stomach churned like wet cement realizing how close they were to flirting with death. Nandor’s eyes widened, flickering to Guillermo’s briefly in undisguised horror before looking away at nothing.

“Why Nandor?” Nadja asked.

"Well, if Guillermo is going to kiss someone, a vampire might be able to resist the curse, already being dead and all. I figured the most appropriate choice would be his master," Colin Robinson shrugged, the corner of his mouth quirking up. 

"Doesn't seem especially scientific…" Nandor muttered.

"That's a good point,” Colin Robinson nodded. “Any real experiment has multiple data points, so really, Guillermo should kiss each of us."

Guillermo swallowed back bile. “I… no…” He shook his head slowly, begging Nandor with his eyes.

"Ewww,” Nadja recoiled. “It would be like mouthing a sad sponge!"

Laszlo gripped the lapels of his blazer. "I'd have to work up to it."

Nandor whipped around towards Laszlo and declared, “Scientific or not I forbid it! He kissed humans, we wouldn’t count anyway.”

“Well then… Colin Robinson, my good man, why don’t you order us a pizza?” Laszlo suggested. 

As soon as the delivery guy walked in the door, Laszlo hypnotized him to stand still.

“Alright, Gizmo, full steam ahead.”

_ Oh, this is wrong, _ Guillermo thought.  _ This is so wrong. _ But he had no other way of proving it. And this guy could have just been a victim anyway. He took the pizza, stood on his tiptoes, and lightly pecked the man’s mouth.

“No wonder you aren’t getting any further,” Nandor sniped.

Laszlo waved the man off. As he crossed the street to his car the bus immediately ran him over.

"Well shit, maybe you really are cursed," Laszlo admitted. 

"Could you go get his body please? The last thing we need is more attention. The snow shovel may be necessary,” Nandor ordered.

\-----

As Guillermo processed the man’s body at the lye station, Laszlo, Nadja, and Nandor all interrogated him. 

“Alright boy, now think. Did anything strange, out of the ordinary, downright  _ peculiar _ happen to you before this all transpired?” Laszlo’s voice cut through.

Guillermo dunked the arm that wasn’t reduced to red paste into the lye barrel. “Well… At the meteor shower, there was this huge black dog…” As he explained the attack, Nandor groaned, “Ugh, this again,” rolling his eyes. Guillermo glared at him as he finished his story.

“A big raggedy black dog? Smells of steaming asshole? You are sure?” Nadja asked.   
  


“Yes? Was it a vampire dog?” 

Laszlo snorted, “A vampire dog, that's rich. That'd be absolutely absurd. No, it's a black dog of the British Isles.”

“Which one?” Nadja asked.

“I, uh... didn't ask for a name?” 

“Does it matter? There's at least hundreds,” Laszlo said, skeptical of his wife’s interest.

Nadja looked at her husband. “One of them owes me quite a sum of money. With interest!” 

“Mongrel. Absolute reprobate,” he hissed.

“So…” Guillermo politely interrupted. “It's just a black dog that's English…?”

“It's an omen of death. Must've given Nandor here fleas and you terrible kissing,” Laszlo explained as Nadja nodded in agreement.

“Do I have to do a ritual or bargain with a witch to undo it?”

“Quite the imagination on you, little one. You simply must find a white dog to lick your face,” Nadja explained as though that were the easiest and most obvious solution in the universe.

“I know just the place. Come,” Nandor ordered.

\-----

Guillermo walked into the animal shelter and asked if it was okay to come in, allowing Nandor to pass the threshold.

“I lost my white dog, have you had any come in today?” Guillermo asked, turning his puppy dog eyes up to eleven. The lady working there called him sweetheart and said she’d take a look.

"Wait, Master, you've been here before? ...Why?" Guillermo asked quietly once she was out of earshot.

"Dog business, Guillermo."  _ Obviously _ , his posture and tone seemed to say.

“Oh my goodness,  _ Perrito! _ ” Guillermo exclaimed, exaggerating his relief when the woman brought out a tiny white Bichon Frise on a leash.

In the parking lot outside of the shelter, Nandor held the dog up to his face and murmured, “Okay, Perrito, please be licking Guillermo now.”

Guillermo pursed his lips together as Perrito’s tiny tongue swept all over his mouth.

“Really get in there, Perrito, don’t hold back now,” Nandor encouraged.

The dog yipped and panted and licked Guillermo’s face like it was the bottom of a food bowl, Nandor circling the dog around to get his cheeks, his nose, even his--

Guillermo winced and sputtered when the dog licked his eyeball and almost knocked off his glasses. Seemingly satisfied, Nandor continued to carry the dog around on their way home, smiling and calling it Perrito over and over again in a baby-voiced version of his accent. 

“Nadja isn’t going to let us keep it,” Nandor sighed, setting it down on the sidewalk in front of the house.  _ Why didn’t you say something before we got all the way home?  _ But Guillermo picked it back up and insisted they just return it to the shelter, and Nandor agreed, trudging along with him and petting Perrito the entire way. 

\-----

Irving didn’t respond that night. 

Or to any of Guillermo’s phone calls the next day.

\-----

Guillermo couldn't explain how he knew. 

He drove quickly, eyeing his phone even as he squinted against the low sun. Still hoping. But every additional hour of silence felt like a black tick mark, simultaneously nicking and staining his heart.

Their house was deep in the woods and eerily silent. The door wasn’t locked when he walked up the entryway. 

_ Oh. _

Irving was lying in the foyer.

It was wrong. This couldn’t be, Guillermo hadn’t, Irving didn’t  _ deserve… _

There was blood dripping from his head, his shoes, dripping down the top step. A broken banister. He must have slipped. Not that it mattered, knowing how.  _ He was still... _ Guillermo cradled Irving’s head and tried to cry, couldn't cry.

He couldn't explain a lot of things. Why had he heaved Irving… Irving’s  _ body _ into the back of the rental car and found himself standing, staring empty eyed at a starless sky, next to the grave he dug in between some of Laszlo's crab apple trees? 

Why had he expected anything different? 

The tears still refused to come. He felt hollow, unreal, angry and stupid and sad and alone. 

The last thing he expected was turning around into Nandor, in his sleep clothes and boots, smoke rising from the cape he held over his head to shield himself from the dimming slate blue pall of dusk.

\-----

Guillermo was enveloped in that soft cape, clutched tight against Nandor in a constricting velvety darkness.

"He was your friend," Nandor said quietly. It wasn’t a question

Guillermo nodded against his chest. "We didn’t even kiss... I feel like... I was just getting to know him and… and now... and now he's..." He couldn’t say it. 

Nandor was silent. He stroked Guillermo’s back and his hair as his body shook with dry sobs. 

For a little while, the only things in existence were Guillermo’s pain and Nandor’s embrace, a life preserver in an ocean of utter sorrow that threatened to drown him.

Guillermo dug and twisted his fingers into Nandor’s sleep shirt. "This… this has to have happened to you before. Does it… ever stop hurting?" he asked, already suspecting the answer.

"No. It is a harsh lesson." 

\-----

For some time, Guillermo the human familiar was gone, replaced by Guillermo the vacuum cleaner, Guillermo the sponge, and Guillermo the miter saw. Colin Robinson stopped him from mowing the lawn a dozen times, suggesting, surprisingly gently, that maybe he ask Nandor for a break. 

Nandor hadn't spoken to him meaningfully since the night it happened, disappearing after a stilted eulogy and an official nod of his head. He did agree when Guillermo asked to speak to him in private.

"It would be understandable," Nandor said unprompted.

"What would be, Master?"

"If you are wanting to quit," he explained with a sympathetic lift in his brow. 

Guillermo folded his hands together, gathered himself.

"It's the opposite, actually. I'd like to ask for a performance review. What can I do better as your familiar? How can I prove to you that I'm ready, worthy of being a vampire?"

He was proud that he followed the script, that it came out right. 

Nandor's mouth dropped open in shock. "Is now really the time?"

_ If you care about me at all…  _

Guillermo looked at Nandor, silently begging him to save him from Irving's fate. "Yes. Please." 

Nandor splayed his hands on his thighs, the blank look Guillermo recognized as the rusted gears of his mind struggling to turn. 

"...There are simply too many things to list. You have a ways yet."

"Okay," Guillermo clenched his teeth to keep in the rattling agony. "Can you estimate how long?" he asked with a close lipped smile. 

"...At least another year."

\-----

Guillermo grasped the thick black Sharpie marker in his hand like a knife and scraped a line slowly on the wall above his bed, hoping that Nandor could hear. 

**Author's Note:**

> And THAT'S why Nandor never bothers Guillermo about his virginity again.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope ya'll liked Irving. First really plot-relevant OC I've written.
> 
> ALSO shoutout to my beta HeartlessMemo for helping me make this as awkward and painful as possible! <3


End file.
